Hot Diggity Dog

Why keep talk of bodily functions outside the classroom? Some awesome quotes from my professors:

Explaining why her voice is scratchy: "I'm on meds and everything. It's like 'where is the snot coming from?'" Dr. G1

While explaining the phrase structure trees of children whose language skills are developing: "If you show them one of these trees they'll throw up on it." - Dr. C

Upon getting flustered when the class covered a topic she didn't intend to discuss: "You're getting this in a big doodoo because this is not where I want to go." - Dr. G2

Meeeeeep

My friend got married this Sunday and it was absolutely beautiful. It was such a joy to watch her get ready for the day -- she was literally glowing! But while I got my hair done as she herself was pampered, I developed the feeling of having to poo. So I excused myself from the crowd of family, bridesmaids, hairdressers and makeup artists and went to the bathroom. Where I [naturally] clogged the toilet. I had to flush five times before it went down...and I was so embarrassed in front of the hordes of people waiting on the other side of the door.

There was actually a phone next to the toilet though. If all had continued to go wrong, maybe I could have called the front desk...

Mess and a Half (Jess and a Half?)

Last night, a bunch of my SLP classmates had a get-together. Stupidly I decided to walk to my classmate's house in the sweltering heat (I was carrying one bottle of liquor and 3 liters of soda for 20 of the 60+ minutes)so that I was completely sweaty when I got there. Then, I proceeded to drink. Whether or not I drank too much or I just drank my liquor in the incorrect chronological time frame with regard to the beer I also consumed, but my poor little stomach woke me up in the middle of the night with the uncomfortable desire to purge its contents. So yea. I puked. Twice. (I could still make out some of the Goldfish crackers I had before bed. Awesome). Then in the morning, my butt wanted to jump on the purging bandwagon. So I pooped. And clogged the toilet (did I ever write about my Thanksgiving toilet clogging adventure? Ah, another time). On my second try the toilet finally flushed, but not without protest. The water came up and out of the bowl, spilling all over the floor before finally making it's way down the drain. At least that problem was solved. But squatted on the floor with toilet paper to sop up the mess, I split the seem in my pants straight down my butt. So now my neon blue underwear was hanging out. I'm pretty sure my roommate's boyfriend caught this all going on. But I pretended like everything was normal :P In my life, it kind of is normal anyway.

Surfing the crimson wave

I left my birth control at home when I moved to Indiana. Not really a huge problem, since I'm not planning on putting myself in a situation where pregnancy is an option, but I haven't been off of it in 3 years. I have no idea what it will do to me! I originally began my prescription to clear up my skin and regulate my menstrual cycle so now I'm afraid being off of my meds will do just the opposite! I've had so many dreams that I've grown a giant pimple on the first day of school or gotten my period unexpectedly and in the middle of a crowded place. I've also been sure, on numerous occasions in my waking life, that my period was on display for all to see.

So far none of this has become reality but I've still got a month before I'd expect it to return. I'm almost positive my dreams will play out in some comical (and horribly embarrassing) fashion before September is through.

I will keep you posted!

Gleaming Flaxen Waxen

A few weeks ago, I endured my first Brazilian wax. It didn't actually hurt that much, and I'd consider doing it again, but the claims that it takes weeks for your hair to regrow are blatantly false. Well. Maybe "blatantly" is the wrong word. The hairs that would have been waxed had it been a regular bikini wax are, in fact, still missing. However, most of my hair grew back within one single week! Too fast!

MMM. Grooming.

Celebrate Good Times!

I finally have internet in my new apartment! Hooray!

Yesterday while I was reaching to adjust the water temperature in my brand new shower (the shower itself is not new, but it's new to me!), I smacked my head on the hand rail. Now I have a big* 'ole lump on the top of my head. Right in time to meet all my new classmates tomorrow!

Awesome


*It's actually not big and you can't really see it, but I thought it sounded funnier to write it that way. And then to divulge the truth. Yea!

If a tree falls in the woods.

I just arrived in Indiana...and since I don't have internet in my apartment yet, I've been spending a lot of time in the bookstore taking advantage of their free Wi-Fi. I also purchased a book while I was there...and when I returned home and my roommate asked me what I'd bought, I had a hard time explaining what possessed me to buy "Stiff: the Curious Lives of Human Cadavers." I make awesome first impressions. It IS an awesome book though.

Beeeeeeees!

I'm starting the big ole' drive to Indiana! Today I arrived in Bedford, PA where I went with my mom on a self guided driving tour of it's famed covered bridges (awesome). We ended up seeing five bridges and then taking a detour to Gravity Hill, where cars in neutral are rumored to roll up the hill. We got there and it was hardly a hill. And our car didn't move. So much for that.

We also saw a crazy car fire! I was pretty scared it would explode in my face. It didn't. Phew. I hope no one was hurt! Tomorrow I'm off to Columbus, OH!

Wokka wokka wokka

I've moved in with my parents, and due to the fact that I can only access the internet from their computer right now and I'm a little bit afraid to leave any trace of this blog on their machine, I've fallen behind in my updates. [Note to self: don't forget to erase the history when you're done writing this pointless blog entry].

Today I accidentally saw my dad in his underwear and I lost my debit card. So despite a change of scenery, there's no shortage of stupid things happening to me.

Glargh

An hour later it looks like this.

Disco Inferno

This afternoon I was removing my lunch -- chicken tikka masala and broccoli -- from the microwave when I had an accident. I wobbled, spilling scalding hot sauce all over my arm. The boxes I'd packed with the dishes I'll be bringing with me to Bloomington blocked my way to the sink, so I stared in pain and shock at the bubbly orange globs of sauce on my arm before submerging it beneath the water from the faucet. Holy sh*t it hurts. Why am I so dumb?

Rooms

My roommate moved out this morning. She set off before 9am on her way back to her family home in Pittsburgh. Now my apartment is all empty and sad. Well...my bedroom is still mainly intact...but only for a few more days. I move back in with my parents next week. I'll stay there for two weeks and then head out to Indiana to start my grad program. But for now I'm sad. I miss my roommie.

You are smelly!

Today I spent some time with my friend Jen and her amazingly adorable two-point-five-year-old daughter Elle. I told Elle that her toy kitty that she was gripping so tightly was an admirer of the sparkly kitty that adorned her shirt. Jen concluded from my observation that I was creepy. Thanks to this suggestion, her daughter spent the better part of the car ride home declaring that I was creepy. And then shouting over and over that I was also smelly. Either Elle is really astute, or I really can't hide anything :P.

A Pocket Full of Posey

I believe in Karma (or something like it). I know I shouldn't, and my therapist asserts that this belief is a desperate grasp at exercising control over what happens in my life.

Recently, I went through a health scare related to my butt shingles. And then this weekend, I found out I was selected to conduct a 10 minute interview with Hanson (HANSON!!!) before their performance in Hyannis this summer. So...noone can call me unlucky. When something bad happens, something good often comes to balance it out. And when something good happens...

It's a Brazzle Dazzle Day

I was at the beer garden tonight when my stomach began to quake. When I could take it no more, I ran to the bathroom and unloaded my pain into the toilet. A few seconds later, I heard some complaints outside the stall: "Ugh that smells terrible. Who did that?" The voice of an older lady responded with "don't worry, I got it honey" and I subsequently heard the whoosh of air freshener (room deodorizer, as my dad likes to call it) being released. How mortifying.

Whatevs, people. It was me!

The Roof is on Fire!

So those bug bites? They turned out to be shingles. The disease that comes from the varicella zoster virus. A reincarnation of chicken pox, so to speak. It's a disease that mostly old people get. Except for me and a good friend of mine who shares my name :)

Blooming onion

Gosh my butt is still so itchy! Make it stop!! Stupid bugs. Also, I farted in front of my future roommate today. Not sure if she heard me, but what a first impression to make!

On the bright side, my future home of Bloomington, IN is pretty cool.

The itsy bitsy spider.

I'm currently in the midst of a road trip to Pittsburgh and Indiana...it's been a lot of fun save for the fact that during our first night, a bug found itself trapped in the leggings in which I was sleeping, and bit it's way from the intersection of my leg and my torso all the way up my butt. It hurts. And itches, and my only relief comes from slathering on the cortisone cream. Stupid bug.

Climb Every Mountain

The other day I was inviting a bunch of my friends to dinner at my apartment. And to see a free Hanson concert with me. Only the link I included in my email wasn't the proper link to the promotion for the concert. Instead I accidentally included a link to a bra I'd been thinking about purchasing. A bra specifically tailored to A and B cup ladies. I never tire of embarrassing myself.

This post is dedicated to my wonderful boobies, which survived a mammogram and sonogram today with no indication of any trouble! (Take care of your boobies, people! And good health to you all!).

One the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

This is my last Monday at work. I have four more days!

I put so many notes in my Google calendar reminding me of the fervor with which we should all rejoice over this occasion that my alerts went bonkers. I came home to nine separate emails reminding me that "Jessie's in da house" "hallelujah" "last week OMG OMG OMG" and "happy happy joy joy."

FOUR MORE DAYS!