He did something with his inflatable beer bottle

K-Swiss recently found this email I had written to her in Junior year of college, when I was tremendously enamored with a boy named Charlie. It made me laugh so hard I cried:

Hey L-Swixzl!

What's up? I hop ou had a good night tonight. I'm sorry I ditched you
huys. Man. I blew another chanc. I'm not sure what to so about CHalir. I
got really drunbkj because tom mized me som tom-strngth drinjls. so i was
drunk and had a small laighting fit. Charlie was there. so hot. or cute.
or secy. or somthin along those line.s We didnt talk top much but he sorta
did somthink ith his inflatabl beer bottle. he lt m read the spansh parts.
cerveza mas fina. then tom was on the floor nd people were saying he was
dead. and i said "tom's not dead because he's speaking" and then charlie
said "you're soooooooooo smart". I dont know if he was mocking me or just
using it as an excuse to give me a complimnt. i think he wasnt mockingme
bcause he sounded drunk too. then we went back to da partie. and we didnt
really dance togethr. just nearby. and i lft to pee. and when i cam back
he put his hands in the air and said "yeah!" or something like that. im
not sure. and also one tim everyone left
and charlie pointed with his thimbs to th door. i dont know if he wasd
xcusing himslef so he could find everone or inviting me to come look for
them with him. i sorta followed but ddnt know what to do. nd i think he
was looking back for me but im so nit sure. i might hav iven him bad
signdals. Also, we kpt tossing balloons back andf forth. maybe that was
flirting. i hop so. ok anywa i will tll you this all again in more
coherenc tomorrow morning. sorry if you sdont want to hear it. Brunch
11:30 ish? Hope you had a goo dnight.
<3 heart jess

Looks like I haven't changed much since then. Pathetic. Hehehe.

Daily Menu

This morning at 7:53am I ate a lovely breakfast of a vanilla smoothie with chocolate granola and a piece of bread with spray-on butter (like spray-on tan, only tastier).

Then at 8:10am I packed myself a lovely bacon, zucchini and tomato sandwich (oh mayo, I love you).

At 8:30am I left for work.

At 9:30am I ate my lunch.

Sh*t.

My whole existence is flawed

I found this awesome Pr0n. I think I'm obsessed with it. It's like...really really awesome. Both engaging parties are extremely good-looking. The guy looks like a really-short-haired-almost-buzz-cut combination [blaspheme] of two men I find particularly attractive and they're both really into each other (the people in the pr0n. Not the men I find attractive. I don't think they know each other). And there are no exaggerated pr0n noises. Just a general good time.

So. If you're ever trying to talk to me on g-chat and I don't respond, there's a decent possibility I'm watching (merely watching) this pr0n. But I could also be studying for statistics.

(Who knows what song the title of this blog is from?)

She's into new sensations new kicks in the candle light.

Yesterday I went to get my eyebrows waxed (I love the way it feels!!) and when the woman was finished, she asked if she could do my lip as well. Normally I don't get this done, but whenever a waxer ASKS me, I feel her judgmental, disgusted stare boring into me like pencils gouging my eyes out (it's similar to how I expect to feel for the duration of my statistics class) and I acquiesce. The woman was so pleased with the job she'd done that she even insisted on showing me all the hair that came off.

Ew. Now my lip feels numb and slimy.

(Am I allowed to use song lyrics in my blog titles? This one's totally Ricky Martin. I give credit where credit is due)

Baby don't sweat it...who wants their hair done by a slob?

I am wearing a tank top today and about an hour ago, I scratched an itch in my pits. Half an hour later I noticed a fresh, clean, and soapy taste lingering in my mouth as I nibbled my fingertips out of boredom. I fear I may have ingested some deodorant that had unknowingly become lodged under my nails. I hope I don't get butane poisoning.

It's a World of Laughter, a World of Tears

I'm prone to fits of giggling. These fits often occur at the most inopportune moments. Like right before I went out for drinks with my coworkers and they ridiculed me for my immature displays of laughter the last time I was crunk. As we exited the world of non-profit drudgery, preparing to bask in the freedom of Friday, I promised not to repeat said behavior. But as soon as I stepped onto the crowded elevator I couldn't control myself. And since such expressions of nuttiness are contagious, my friend started in as well. We tried to suppress the laughter but succeeded only in violently hiccuping in the fight against audible emission of sound. Neither of us had had a single drink.

And then there was yesterday morning. The world seemed really awesome yesterday morning. And let me tell you, there was humor in EVERYTHING. I sat at my computer and laughed. I listened to music and laughed. I went to pee in the bathroom and laughed the entire way back to my desk. There are typically only three reasons I laugh in the bathroom: 1) I hear someone fart 2) I fart 3) I hit my head on the stall door while bending over to see if there's anyone else present. None of these things occurred on this occasion. And I laughed the whole day until I forgot why I started. But when I remembered, I moped. Oops.

Pretty Piece of Flesh

I don't like living without a roommate. I miss my roommate. Come back roommate.

That said, I'm trying to make the best of it and to that end, I've spent a lot of time naked. Or at least in my underwear. Dancing. To angry chick music. Without flushing the toilet (conserving water? Seems like a minor perk).

So don't worry Swiss, when you return I will totally put clothes on for you. But in the meantime it's been kinda fun.