Stalactites abound!

There's been a lot of snow 'round these parts over the past few days. And the snow that fell yesterday was the thick slushy variety. Rather than accumulating in heaps on our roof, it found a spot of weakness over my front closet through which it has been raining down for hours.

There are over four puckers on the ceiling that look like upside down volcanoes dripping water onto the floor, which we've been collecting in an assortment of punch bowls and garbage pails. This morning, when I emptied one pail of its gritty brown contents, it was so heavy I could hardly lift it. And all of the supplies my roommate and I had kept in the closet are currently scattered all over the living room.

Grumble. Grumble. Grumble.

Hi Mom

Hi Mom, Did you find this blog? If so, you should probably stop reading right now. Seriously. If you haven't already read further, you don't want to allow yourself to do it. Read at your own risk. Namely the risk of feeling inclined to disown me for rudeness, lewdness, and various other types of obnoxiousness.

And Aaaaayyyyyy Will Always Love Youuuuuu

It was a long day at work today. And yesterday. But I suppose that's what you get when you're lowish level staff member at a museum that is opening a highly publicized exhibit that attracts crowds of people who are frustrated that their status as donors does not grant them the privilege of passing all of the other VIPs in the 3-block-long line. So they wait in the rain and complain to the lowish level staff who is assigned to stand guard along that 3-block-long-line. In the rain.

Tis ok! The bacon creme brulee, the chocolate praline mousse, the raspberry or espresso brownies from the vendors strategically parked alongside that 3-block-line make everything better! Except my figure, maybe.

Hello, Beavis.

I hit my head on the corner of my dresser on my way up from retrieving a dirty spoon that I had dropped to the floor. It left me with a large bump on my head and a larger load of paranoia regarding intracranial hemorrhaging.

Wouldn't it be weird if we had a fatty layer of padding over our skulls? Our bums are well protected by it, why not our heads? We could literally be buttheads!

Stratum Granulosum, Perhaps

I chewed my cuticle a little too hard today. I tore off a chunk of skin and I think I exposed a few layers of epithelial tissue that don't normally see the light of day. It hurts, and it's red (to match my nail polish). Probably won't stop me from chewing it some more though.

Groan

Owww crazy forces wreaking havoc on my stomach. Why did you decide that it would be good to make your [very prolonged] exit during work hours? There are too many people in the bathroom right now!

Owwies.

My stomach has been aching something terrible. Actually, I just wanted to use that phrase.

In truth it's only aching badly once every ten minutes. During the intervals I'm fine. But then the ten minute mark approaches and I feel like a little man has been sitting in the middle of my abdominal cavity and suddenly decides to pull on my small intestines from all directions and scrunch them into a tiny ball. And then the little dude laughs and lets go.

Well, little dude. I don't know who you are but I'm going to get rid of you somehow! Whether you are hurled out via the oral cavity or pooed, your final destination is surely the toilet! Buahahaha.

Ground Control to Major Tom

Do you ever walk down the street and fart until you're halfway down the block? Cuz I sure do...(as long as I'm alone and it's the silent type. Don't listen to headphones while you're doing this. It obstructs your ability to gauge fart volume and the stranger behind you will be on to your secret).

The Yellow River by I.P. Daily

I went to the Lady Doctor the other day and because my bladder is so apparently tiny, I asked to use the bathroom as soon as I arrived. They needed a pee sample, but try as I might, I could not fill the cup past its very bottom ridge. The nurse informed me that this would not be enough for the doctor to conduct a routine pregnancy test, and suggested I help myself to some water and try again. So I downed a liter in a span of four minutes. And then the nurse decided that I had, in fact, supplied enough pee the first time.

It took me about four hours of five-minute-interval pees to rid myself of all that water I consumed. Augh!